Two Worlds Apart

Have you ever said to yourself, "I'm fine?" Two minutes later, your nose is bleeding as you drive your car in the middle of Jakarta's traffic jam.

Have you ever thought, "I'm okay with being alone? I even prefer it." Forty episodes of the Mandarin Series later, you are sobbing as the hero wins the heart of the one he loves.

The thing I realized the most these days is... your reality and the things you say to yourself, even if you believe it, are sometimes two worlds apart.

I grew up with The Secret, when you say something, you believe it, then it will be your reality. The Law of Attraction. These days we call it manifesting. So as a woman fresh out of college, I used to put pictures of things I wanted, or my bucket list, or my idol in my room or my notebook.

True story, I used to do my Skripsi with a Cosmo poster of Mike Lewis wearing nothing but a rugby ball up on the wall. Every time the pressure of writing gets to me, I just have to look at him and I feel better. I even mention his name in my thank you list on the skripsi. (What I wrote: Skripsi ini adalah buah hasil pertumbuhan saya selama di kampus ini dan saya ingin mempersembahkannya untuk semua cosmo guy yang selalu menemani saya dengan setia saat saya mengetik skripsi. Michael'... this one is for you!!!!). One year later, when I was in charge of an article called Naked Dish of the Month at Female Magazine, guess who I chose as the model: the one and only Mr. Mike Lewis. I manifested the hell out of him. From my dream to reality.

In college, I became more philosophical. Descartes is famous for his saying, "I think therefore I am" or Cogito, ergo sum. He believed in a thing called radical doubt, and use it as a tool to question everything. Doubt is the key to truth. He searched and searched until he reached a point where he eventually doubted himself. He wonders whether everything he knows about his existance is fake because he is manipulated by something. From this he realized something... even as he doubted himself, one thing is certain... he is thinking. And this proves one certain thing that he couldnt doubt: that he exist. Thus I think therefore I am. That consciousness is the fundamental proof of existence.

Then I came across Freud, introduced by the mighty Manekke Budiman. As Descartes put consciousness (thought) as the core of our existance, Freud believes that human thought is driven by the unconscious (Id, Ego and Superego). He believes human are more complex than just their rational thought, as we are driven by psychological elements. According to Freud, our thoughts, emotions and behaviour are shaped by our desires, repressed memories and fear.

I discussed this with ChatGPT and it sums the idea by writing: "So, if Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am," Freud might counter with: "You think, but do you really know why?"

Back to my main premise: Is our reality and the things we say to ourselves sometimes two worlds apart? If so, can we trust our own thoughts? If we dig deeper, these are my thoughts.

First, Descartes. I think therefore I am. This only proves that we exist, not how we are in this existance. So thoughts and reality aren't the same thing. In order to trust ourselves, we must question everything. It is only by logic and reasoning can we arrive at the truth.

On the other hand, Freud ask us not to trust our mind easily, because we often lie to ourselves. The solution is to do deep self-exploration, via psychoanalysis, introspection and confronting the unconscious.

What's next? Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychology expert said, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." So the first step after we get to know ourselves and form our self-perception; is to accept who we are for what we trully are. This is the way top gap the bridge between our perception and our reality. Well this, and self-affirmations, maybe lots of therapy, journaling, etc.

What does this whole blog have to do with me?

Well, these whole February, I am once again trapped in a maze of disabling thoughts. The feeling of being unwanted, of not being worthy, of self-doubt and wanting to be accepted for who I am is filling my whole being. I hide in my batcave, hiding so no one cannot see the broken shell that I am. Yet, everytime people come to me for help because what they see is this strong, happy person, breaks my heart. Also everytime people leave because they feel unworthy of me, because of the image I put out of this amazing person named Oriana. The truth is, I dont even know how to reach out and ask for help. I dont know how to feel loved before I ended up begging for scraps of attention, thinking this is what I deserve. I dont know how to navigate in this world, without my Mom and Dad, who has always been my safety net. How can I allow myself to be fragile; to trust someone with my heart; to believe, when someone says I love you.

Me, my thoughts and my reality.

It is a puzzle I have yet to solve.

So, if you're a friend, please reach out and help me solve this puzzle.